Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
