cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
