There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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