so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
