Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Randomize
