I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
