Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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