Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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