First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
