he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
barbara walters just said penis...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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