I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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