haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
