come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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