Duck Duck Cougar?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
