I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
