yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
