I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
