I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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