We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
