The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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