I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
