Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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