I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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