Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
