I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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