Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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