Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
