i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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