We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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