you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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