remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
