Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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