me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
