Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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