Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
