dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
How does it feel to date your dad?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
