Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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