I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I need a beard to bite.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
