dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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