This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I want to fling myself into the sun
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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