I didn't shave. On purpose
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
