I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
