Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
