i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I did not marry a roomba.
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