Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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