i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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