When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
