I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
whose ass print is on the piano?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
