Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
