i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
