I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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