so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
