I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
