he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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