lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
