I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
